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It was the year 19-whatevah-the-fuck
 
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Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in The Ad-Lib Almanac's LiveJournal:

Thursday, January 3rd, 2008
01-03-08

1:06a

[hereboy]
1974: Invention Of The Dry Hump
It was the year 1974. Times were groovy. Charles Nelson Reilly was the mayor of Detroit, and he ruled the city with a limp wrist and an iron fist. The Boomtown Rats were topping the charts with their smash hit, "Let's Take Acid With Horschach (from Welcome Back Kotter)", and everyone was watching Fantasy Island in the first-ever, decade-long, all-channel TV marathon.

On April 2nd on the beanbag chair of a wood-paneled basement rec room in suburban Dayton, Ohio, a young man and his ladyfriend invented the dry hump. Safe sex at its messiest and least fulfilling, the dry hump was a great advance in not-ready-to-go-all-the-way-but-still-horny technology, a quantum leap beyond cold showers and talking to your minister. Ectopic pregnancies were at an all-time high, with babies popping up everywhere from inner thighs to armpits. These so-called Ectopic Baby Boomers gnashed their pearly teeth and readied themselves for their soon-to-come decade of hair dryers and unlaced hightops.

At night all across America you could hear the katydids chirping, and the katydonts moaning "don't get any on me!" Everyone went to sleep to the sound of Ricardo Montalban rolling his R's on into infinity, dreaming of shag-carpeted corvettes on the ring-pop highway.

Current Mood: nostalgic
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Wednesday, August 8th, 2007
08-08-07

1:18p

[hereboy]
1945: Invention Of Food
It was the year 1945. Food had just been invented, on a little farm in Tuskogee, Oklahoma that had previously just grown... older.

Millions of hungry people flocked to the stores in droves*, filling their carts not with detergents, paper towels and ointments this time, but with cornflakes, and peas, and cornflakes mixed with peas, which were all that were available at first. Unfortunately, the invention of recipes would come only 50 years later with the resurgences of bellbottoms and dropping acid.

The people of this great world of ours went to bed with full bellies for the first time in history, and dreamt that someday there would be something called breakfast to greet their mouths when they woke up.

* - the rest were dead or babies or both
This entry is dedicated to Naas, who I made it up to over the phone.

Current Mood: gregarious
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Friday, June 18th, 2004
06-18-04

11:43p

[hereboy]
1956: Advent of The Cold War
It was the year 1956. The Americans had just entered the Cold War with guns blazing like a tiger on crack, and since the war was fought primarily in Siberia it certainly lived up to its name. Special guns were designed with triggers that could be pulled by mittened hands, and there were "fur drives" throughout the country to keep our boys warm.

Even the first lady gave up her long mink stole so some WAC could sleep the night without fear of waking up with his eyelids stuck together, or in the year 3600 by scientists asking nosy questions, wanting cheek swabs and putting him on display in a museum or worse, bringing him on a lecture tour.

Yes, these were tough time, roll-up-your-sleeves, hike-up-your-skirts and get-to-work times, kill-a-deer-for-GI-Joe times, but most of all stop-making-snow-angels-and-get-back-to-shoveling times, and though most of the fur-bearing animals in North America were extinct by Christmas, we had showed those Russkies what-for, and the children slept soundly in their beds under leather blankets, their bellies stuffed tight with exotic meats.
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Saturday, February 7th, 2004
02-07-04

7:34p

[hereboy]
1962: Invention of Live Journals
It was the year 1962.  Live Journals had just been invented in an MIT mens' room stall, and all the world was rushing to their local computer dealer to ask what the heck a computer was, and whether he had one that would squeeze into their town's baseball stadium.  (Baseball being a very popular sport at the time, though we don't see it around much any more.)

Here we see a few early live journalers 'posting' to their 'weblogs'.  Though the Internet had not been discovered yet, they enjoyed punching holes in cards to record their current moods & musics, inserting wires & cards into slots & sockets to their pre-sexual-revolution hearts' delights, as the huge, screenless, soulless machines chunked & whirred & beeped & clicked & buzzed sympathetically at their whining, moaning, arguing and grandstanding.

As the huge reels of electronic tape that recorded these early entries disintegrated to dust immediately upon their discovery and opening in an abandoned, locked dumpster behind a Princeton, NJ Quik Chek, not much is known of the live journal communities, ancient emoticons and message board etiquette of the early 1960's — not to mention the collected electronic journals of H.L. Mencken which were believed to be recorded on them — but since each letter took nearly 100 hole punches, each card 30 holes, and each entry 3 attempts due to the frequently shattering glass-encased pressurized transistors, it is assumed that the entirety of the era's text amounts to as little as one of today's "FWD: funny jokes!" e-mails.

Current Mood: somber
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Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
01-28-04

7:27p

[hereboy]
It Was The Year 1919
It was the year 1919.  The sense of taste had just been invented in a Syracuse laboratory, and pastry chefs the world round were enjoying a new appreciation for their work, hence the now-ubiquitous phrase "selling like hotcakes."

Asparagus and brussel sprouts were outlawed by a newly-elected government consisting entirely of precocious, politically idealistic eight-year-olds, whose enormous groundswell of support from both parties had stemmed from the popular theory that they were too young to have been tainted by Bolshevism.

Coincidentally this is also the year that brought us the flavored condom.  The first shipment was produced in a small motel room in Lindherst, New Jersey by George F. Hornblatt with scissors, surgical gloves and a vat of melted candy canes.

His slogan for the product, "You'll both feel dandy / With her mouth full of candy," reflected the moral tone of the times and caught on big with a newly taste-conscious public, and people young and old laid back in blissful deliriums, marvelling at all that science had brought them.

Current Mood: chipper
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